Build Your Personal Care List

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." — Buddha

Before I had back surgery I would have tried anything, ANYTHING to avoid surgery. (*I'm just going to note off the bat that now, looking back, I'm SO grateful to have had the surgery. But, the fact is I was a nervous wreck anticipating the surgery.) As part of my panicked attempt to do anything other than surgery, I got on the phone and called around to every acupuncturist in the area.

One acupuncturist ended up helping me a lot. (Thank you Dr. Kathy Casey.) And, here’s the incredibly kind thing she said when we first spoke: “I can’t cure you, but I will take care of you.” 

She was right. She didn’t cure me. The nerve pain remained and I had the surgery. But, also, the other part of her statement was true – she did take care of me. I probably saw her a half dozen times prior to my surgery, and each time I left feeling better – not free of back pain, but better nonetheless. The care she provided was soothing, relaxing, stabilizing. It took away my panic, softened the edge of my pain, and gave me more capacity. 

Feeling comfortable enough to surrender to someone else’s care is an amazing gift. Maybe it’s a vestige from when we were young and the kiss from a beloved caregiver could lessen the pain.  

I’ve been inspired by LaUra Schmidt and Aimee Lewis Reau with ways to offer ourselves that type of nervous-system-regulating care. They offer a treasure trove of wisdom on building emotional resilience in their book, How to Live in a Choatic Climate, as well as through their non-profit, the Good Grief Network. But, the specific piece of advice I’m referring to now is their encouragement to create your very own “Resource List” – a list of practices, people, and places that help you give meaningful care and comfort to yourself.  

I’m sure you intellectually know strategies for reducing stress - things like taking deep breaths, going for a walk, talking to a friend, etc. If you googled “stress reduction” right now, you’d get a litany of articles and advice. Heck, I’ll happily guide you in some meditation! But, the challenge from Schmidt and Reau is to discover what works for you. Nobody knows your body, your mind, your state of being, better than you do. 

So, what does work for you? You might need to experiment – which honestly could be fun. Trying out different tools to calm the nervous system? I’m in! 

In their book, Schmidt and Reau suggest 8 different categories of resources. You don’t need to have one from each and you can have multiple from one. But, they provide a good framework for brainstorming self-care: 

1. Breathing exercises (box breathing, belly breathing, etc.)

2. Movement (big movements, small movements, sweating, stretching, etc.)

3. Words (quote, lyrics, poem, etc.) 

4. Object (stress ball, photo, crystal, etc.)

5. Living being (friend, family, pet) 

6. Spiritual being (God/gods, ancestors, other spirits, etc.)

7. Place (in nature, kitchen table, etc. – this can be envisioned if you can't get there in person)

8. Anything else

As Schmidt and Reau write, the purpose of creating a list is so “you can call on your resources to help you come back to the present moment and reestablish a sense of okayness.” The problem won’t disappear, but you'll be better nonetheless -- like the kind acupuncturist said to me, "you wont' be cured, but you'll be better." 

My list has 10 resources and can be seen in the image here. Your list will undoubtedly look different. That’s part of what I love about this exercise. We’re not asking an expert outside of ourselves - we're the expert. We can relax into our own self-care and be held in our own love. 

I’ve done two things that have helped me actually take advantage of my resources. First, I’ve hung the list next to my desk. Seeing it regularly gives me a sense of abundance and capacity. Second, when my life gets stressful and I feel myself starting to spin, I schedule time on my calendar to do one (or more) of the things from list. I put them on my “to do” list. Having a regulated nervous system is foundational to everything else. And, these resources help me maintain regulation. But, if I don’t schedule time to do them -- especially when I start to get stressed and panicky -- I won't. In fact, they're often the first things to go. So, I make a point of making them "official" by putting them in the calendar and on the "to do" list.  

What works for you? If you create a resource list, I’d love to hear about your experience.